The Guilt Trap

Tuesday was my first day back at work.  I was up and out of the house at 5:50, before the kids were up.  It was tough.  I would say even tougher than when I went back to work when Mini Muffin was one.  I missed them both terribly... like to the point that I'm seriously questioning whether or not I can actually handle this working mom gig again.  I left work a bit early and booted it across the city to pick up my loves.  Of course they'd both had wonderful days (unlike their guilt ridden mother).  Poor Little Smiling Man though, he really is a bit overwhelmed.  He looked at me, smiled, and then burst into inconsolable tears.  Poor wee mite.

By bedtime, Little Smiling Man was not smiley in the least, and had a fever.  In the morning it was a bit lower but definitely still there, so I called in and stayed home with him.  It ended up being the right decision since a) he was miserable, and b) his fever had spiked back up by 10am.  He was feverish again at bedtime, and again this morning.  And so, today is my third day of work, and also marks my second day home with a sick baby.  67% absenteeism.  Yikes! 

So, here is the guilt trap I'm stuck in.  When I leave for work, I'm full to overflowing with mommy guilt for leaving Mini Muffin and Little Smiling Man in daycare.  I'm not with them all day long, it's a busy and sometimes stressful environment, some of the kids teach them things we'd rather they not do (like Mini Muffin's new found ability to make herself belch - ugh), and I miss them terribly.  Yet, when I stay home with them I have work guilt, for being home when I'm healthy and capable of working.  I also have guilt that I love these extra stolen moments with the babes; the only reason that these moments are available is because they're sick and I desperately want them to be healthy and happy.

See my problem?  I just cannot win.  Guilt for going to work, and guilt for staying home.  Luckily though, I can see it for what it is, and since there's no winning I might as well just roll with it.  So for today, I am enjoying all of these extra Little Smiling Man cuddles while he gets better, and tomorrow I'll try once again for my second guilt ridden day at work.